April 2008

RX for Finding Mr. Right

Author: Dr. Q. Pidd

I was holding court in Publix a few weeks ago, giving a young man valuable advice about using the Needler in Halo 3, his jump shot and his burgeoning love life. After we finished our brief talk, a cute thirty-something brunette tapped my shoulder. Could I help her find Mr Right, she asked. She was on the island for a friend’s wedding that weekend, and she was so very tired of always being the proverbial bridesmaid and never the bride. She showed me a photo of the ugly bridesmaid dress she was scheduled to wear as proof. I’m still trying to recover.

I told her that in the time it took for the nice lady to prepare my Boar’s Head sub, I could not only help her find Mr Right, but I could help her manage her vastly improved dating life. She raised an eyebrow; I could tell that she was skeptical about my guarantee. Skeptical, but impressed, nonetheless, by my boldness and my ability to imitate former Chicago Bear defensive end, Richard Dent. She paid for my sub and told me that she would follow my advice to the letter.

A sharp, classy professional woman who bore a striking resemblance to Dawn Wells of Gilligan’s Island fame, I told her that the men in the city of Chicago must be blind to overlook such a quality woman. Plus, she could raise an eyebrow like Leonard Nimoy in his heyday as Mr. Spock on Star Trek. A woman who is attractive with that kind of talent is a rare find indeed.

Sandwich in hand, I told her that all she needed was my handy, dandy two-step program for the busy professional woman looking for love. There used to be three steps but that third step was just overkill.

I told her that first she must learn to use her social circle of female friends, co-workers and relatives more effectively. Networking is a key component in searching for a soul mate, and women can ask friends, co-workers and family members to fix them up without embarrassment. In fact, I highly recommend that they do so. Leave the macho posturing to the men. Women have been helping each other by matchmaking for centuries. One more woman asking her friends to help her meet a man won’t make the earth spin out of orbit.

I told the brunette to invite some friends over for a Mr. Right party. Have some finger sandwiches, pizza and those ultra sweet rainbow-colored drinks that women love so much and let the other ladies know that they must bring all their “Friend Zone” information: PDAs, rolodexes, laptops, cell phones, sticky notes—the works. The women must agree that the names of the men that they submit are of men that they don’t have any romantic feelings for but are nice guys whom they wouldn’t mind seeing with a nice woman. All the women should swap info, with the hostess getting first dibs on the best candidates.

She can then call the men herself or ask to be introduced by the woman who placed them in the friend zone.

Make sure all the candidates are viable suitor types, not the kind of guys who have been banished to the friend zone for eternity. See, viable dating material in a friend zone has a certain shelf life. Like a dominant professional sports team, the window of that team’s dominance begins to close after four or five years. With viable dating material in the friend zone, the window closes at about two years tops. If a man stays in the friend zone too long, well, he might start to get a little bonkers.

I’m a seasoned Friend Zone escape artist, and I normally won’t even enter the Friend Zone. I just tell the young lady that I can’t just be friends with a woman as gorgeous as she and I walk away. “Just friends? Are you kidding me? Look at you!! I’ll just go to Guantanamo Bay and ask if I can have a room. See ya around, doll face.” Works every time.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex, but when you’re looking for love there’s got to be more than just friendship going on. A woman who’s looking for romance deserves honest to goodness viable suitors, not friends. Standing there in Publix, we went through her friend zone and I got her to identify the most viable candidates for romance. The others would be set free. No exceptions.

I watched as her fingers hovered near the keys on her cell phone. Six names deleted, three viable candidates remained.

You say you want more? Tune in next month for step two.

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